Chris Redfield indicted for steroid use; former collegue confirms

You know it's satire, right?

Albert Wesker testifies. (AP File photo and an amusing photoshop)

Chris Redfield was arrested today under a continued dogged investigation – both literal and figurative – by Federal Prosecutor Adam Schiff, who refused any comment regarding Redfield’s case saying that the ongoing investigation into the behavior of “S.T.A.R.S.” (“Special Tactics and Rescue Service”) would continue until it reached its natural conclusion.

In the first public senate hearing on the Federal matter, Albert Wesker’s attorney Danielle Melnick confirmed her client was co-operating with the Federal Courts given his medical condition of “Insequituious Perpituous” a rare form of the mutagen “T -Virus”

The mutagen that prevents any person from permanently being killed provided they receive a constant stream of irrational plans to dominate the world through bizarre means

The mutagen that prevents any person from permanently being killed provided they receive a constant stream of irrational plans to dominate the world through bizarre means

which requires a person remain alive so long as the protagonist tries to continually kill him. Wesker confirmed that he was indeed ingesting a drug that had caused him to mutate into such a form that it allowed him to actually remain alive in a volcanic environment. He questioned why this indictment had been such a long time coming, saying “The man literally punched through a boulder to try and kill me… what the hell? If I’d known that was possible without hideous mutations I’d have been doing it years–” He was cut off at this point by his own attorney.

POV radio shot of Chris Punching “Pictured: Chris Redfield’s biceps”

POV radio shot of Chris Punching “Pictured: Chris Redfield’s biceps”

 

Unusually, Schiff allowed Wesker’s testimony and the subsequent questions related to it and Chris Redfield to be open to the public, alleging that S.T.A.R.S. had shown an “extraordinary violation of public protocol that not only endangered the lives of its citizens but whose actions before and after the ‘Raccoon City Mansion Incident’ showed a reckless disregard for human life.”

Footage from the Raccoon City Police station shows Jill Valentine participating in a bizarre scavenger hunt for idols and seals in order to open a door clearly navigable by other means during a T-Virus outbreak

Footage from Jill Valentine participating in a bizarre scavenger hunt for idols and seals

Several Senators, including James Imhofe (R-OK) questioned the wisdom of hiring Rebecca Chambers, to Jill Valentine, the wisdom hiring an 18 year for her “moxie

 

Chambers listed her work experience as ‘Moderator of her My Little Pony Facebook Fan Page’

Chambers listed her work experience as ‘Moderator of her My Little Pony Facebook Fan Page’

and his opinion was agreed only given the odd nature of radio contact between the S.T.A.R.S. members during the initial incident. Barney Frank (D-MA) questioned “The stilted nature of contact seems to indicate some form of intoxication” noting that S.T.A.R.S. member Barry Burton seemed at one point to suggest Valentine may have been an edible sandwich after a narrow escape from a trap. “Your demeanor in that mansion was impossibly stiff and uneven, I see no other explanation other than recreational drug use that could allow you to remain so impervious to the very plainly obvious

Barry and Jill after the trap, barely moving or reacting to their near-death experience

Barry and Jill after the trap, barely moving or reacting to their near-death experience

Further questions were raised regarding Chris Redfield’s relationship with the late Piers Nivens, which soldiers described as “overtly sexual and inappropriate

behavior occurred during a time which DADT was still in effect

This behaviour occurred during a time which DADT was still in effect

but “Do you want to deal with a guy with arms like Redfield’s ?” Many in the gallery admitted that Nivens’ ass was “hot as hell , but I’m totally straight” including Representative David Schock (R-IL) surprising no one.

Chris Redfield’s arms again as Prosecution People’s Exhibit 47C

Chris Redfield’s arms again as Prosecution People’s Exhibit 47C

Although called to the stand, an “Ada Wong” was unavailable for comment, though sources confirm a woman in an impractical dress was seen running from the courthouse rooftop using cables that had not previously been seen in any functional use before.
Leon Kennedy was called to testify regarding S.T.A.R.S conduct, and was questioned as to how he was able to escape a horde of zombies, leap onto a bus, then onto a helicopter narrowly avoiding a crashing F-15 Fighter Jet before crashing through solid plate glass only to immediately recover and comment “I’m Fine”. He simply quipped “Maybe it’s Maybelline ” as a gust of wind took his hair just slightly asunder and wooed all those present despite the room having no doors or windows open.

Kennedy’s hair, pictured from file photo

Kennedy’s hair, pictured from file photo

Hearings are scheduled to continue as soon as Wesker has made a daring escape and is prepared to execute a ridiculous and circuitous plot whose outcome is murky and nebulous at best.

This mission exists in ‘Sleeping Dogs’. It actually does.

In the game ‘Sleeping Dogs’ the mission: “Important Visitor” – has Wei – the protagonist – get a call that a music producer is coming to Hong Kong and is told to show him around.

King

Pictured: “Dialogue” according to the game’s writers: “It’s real cool to meet you. We’ll see you around”

The producer is an awkwardly racist caricature who seems to have been written by someone who has never heard an actual black person speak outside of fiction written by white guys. There’s a rumour he might have at one point been voice by Pharrell Williams but the game’s redevelopment from the True Crime series forced Square (for some reason) to recast. I have no way of verifying this although I would hope Williams might’ve actually improvised a bit to improve the script..

You take the character – King – to a club, and then walk slowly around the rather sparse dance floor collecting pokemon girls and escorting them to the VIP room so he can ‘party’ with them.

And then you have to play a DDR style mini-game to sing Karoke in the most cringe-inducing sequence I’ve seen in recent history. I actually just turned the speakers off.

Guess what this didn't make me? I'll give you a hint: IT'S THE OPPOSITE OF A PHARELL WILLIAMS SONG.

Guess what this didn’t make me? I’ll give you a hint: IT’S THE OPPOSITE OF A PHARELL WILLIAMS SONG.

After you leave, a bunch of rival Triad members show up. You tell the producer to get in the car, but he refuses since this is “jus’ the icing on the cake, man” (That’s from the helpful subtitles) and proceeds to help you fight, because of course he can: he’s black! And involved with Hip-Hop and drugs! (Note for the spin-off – if he returns he should say at some point “Don’t fuck with a black music producer, we know how to throw a beat down” because that would be absolutely perfect)

I mean, it’s like there was a gas leak that made all the writers kind of dumb, mildly sexist and slightly racist and then someone who writes bad fan-fiction wrote the dialogue for the mission because they all passed out.

As always with shoddy game writing, the question that pops to mind is just – why did they write this mission? Why not have it so that the music producer shows up and… well, perhaps you scout possible music video locations with him? Perhaps he needs to find some background talent and you have to find the best dancers at a club (Hey! They could be male AND female!)? and why was it necessary to involve

THIS IS IMPORTANT TO THE STORY.

THIS IS IMPORTANT TO THE STORY.

him in a fight when the main protagonist – at this point in the game – could have easily dispatched all the attackers in less than a minute? What purpose does it serve? I mean, it wouldn’t have been at all an issue had you not made him a walking stereotype. But they did, so it is.

Best line from the character? “Man, I didn’t realize Hong Kong had such beautiful women!” Really? It’s kind of known for that. Would the character also have expressed surprise that New York was crowded or that Tehran is quite hot?

I mean, I hate writing teachers who insist on every line being seriously motivated because that way of thinking leads to way to many dull movies with only 40 lines of dialogue and a lot of wistful looks. The flip-side is a Tarantino film in which nobody ever shuts-up, but in that case at least they’re exchanging dialogue, not just spouting random lines that come close to being tautologies for the sake of filling the horrific void left by the sight of the game’s really awkward, pointless, and photo montage that somehow made it from concept to final product despite. Everything about this mission reminds me of people who use the term ‘colored’ or ‘blacks’. It’s not quite racist, but anyone using those terms clearly isn’t quite as aware that it’s 2015 as they should be.

SleepingDogs1

I have no idea why he chose the two Russian girls when I brought him three girls native to Hong Kong. It’s all just… really godamn weird.