This mission exists in ‘Sleeping Dogs’. It actually does.

In the game ‘Sleeping Dogs’ the mission: “Important Visitor” – has Wei – the protagonist – get a call that a music producer is coming to Hong Kong and is told to show him around.

King

Pictured: “Dialogue” according to the game’s writers: “It’s real cool to meet you. We’ll see you around”

The producer is an awkwardly racist caricature who seems to have been written by someone who has never heard an actual black person speak outside of fiction written by white guys. There’s a rumour he might have at one point been voice by Pharrell Williams but the game’s redevelopment from the True Crime series forced Square (for some reason) to recast. I have no way of verifying this although I would hope Williams might’ve actually improvised a bit to improve the script..

You take the character – King – to a club, and then walk slowly around the rather sparse dance floor collecting pokemon girls and escorting them to the VIP room so he can ‘party’ with them.

And then you have to play a DDR style mini-game to sing Karoke in the most cringe-inducing sequence I’ve seen in recent history. I actually just turned the speakers off.

Guess what this didn't make me? I'll give you a hint: IT'S THE OPPOSITE OF A PHARELL WILLIAMS SONG.

Guess what this didn’t make me? I’ll give you a hint: IT’S THE OPPOSITE OF A PHARELL WILLIAMS SONG.

After you leave, a bunch of rival Triad members show up. You tell the producer to get in the car, but he refuses since this is “jus’ the icing on the cake, man” (That’s from the helpful subtitles) and proceeds to help you fight, because of course he can: he’s black! And involved with Hip-Hop and drugs! (Note for the spin-off – if he returns he should say at some point “Don’t fuck with a black music producer, we know how to throw a beat down” because that would be absolutely perfect)

I mean, it’s like there was a gas leak that made all the writers kind of dumb, mildly sexist and slightly racist and then someone who writes bad fan-fiction wrote the dialogue for the mission because they all passed out.

As always with shoddy game writing, the question that pops to mind is just – why did they write this mission? Why not have it so that the music producer shows up and… well, perhaps you scout possible music video locations with him? Perhaps he needs to find some background talent and you have to find the best dancers at a club (Hey! They could be male AND female!)? and why was it necessary to involve

THIS IS IMPORTANT TO THE STORY.

THIS IS IMPORTANT TO THE STORY.

him in a fight when the main protagonist – at this point in the game – could have easily dispatched all the attackers in less than a minute? What purpose does it serve? I mean, it wouldn’t have been at all an issue had you not made him a walking stereotype. But they did, so it is.

Best line from the character? “Man, I didn’t realize Hong Kong had such beautiful women!” Really? It’s kind of known for that. Would the character also have expressed surprise that New York was crowded or that Tehran is quite hot?

I mean, I hate writing teachers who insist on every line being seriously motivated because that way of thinking leads to way to many dull movies with only 40 lines of dialogue and a lot of wistful looks. The flip-side is a Tarantino film in which nobody ever shuts-up, but in that case at least they’re exchanging dialogue, not just spouting random lines that come close to being tautologies for the sake of filling the horrific void left by the sight of the game’s really awkward, pointless, and photo montage that somehow made it from concept to final product despite. Everything about this mission reminds me of people who use the term ‘colored’ or ‘blacks’. It’s not quite racist, but anyone using those terms clearly isn’t quite as aware that it’s 2015 as they should be.

SleepingDogs1

I have no idea why he chose the two Russian girls when I brought him three girls native to Hong Kong. It’s all just… really godamn weird.